Waking up to reality...

Yesterday, while I was on my way to work, an entry from the morning rush struck a chord with me. The topic was questions you ask before you get into a relationship and the entry was "Am I ready to be out?" Today is our 2nd year of being together and I often fantasize the day wherein we could be like normal couples with our own family. I know it will be next to impossible to happen with my family.

I woke up today crying from the dream that I had: My parents were away so I snuck him over to our house and we slept together. The next day, I was surprised to see my parents back home. I remembered asking myself if we were intimately sleeping but I was convinced we weren't so I casually told them that I just had my friend over because I wanted to hang out. He overslept so my parents invited him for lunch. The next thing I could remember was him showing everyone a video that we made where I promised to love him for as long as I could and I was shocked that he did that. Angry even. I walked out of the room and went to a restroom and before closing the door I heard them laughing and everything was what I wanted it to be for us now. After I locked the door I broke down and then I woke up to reality.

What I'm curious about was why did I feel that way when he outed me in my dream? Why instead of joy and liberation I felt shame and pain? I thought that after being together for this long and wanting to be a normal couple that I'd be ready to be outed but the truth is I'm still afraid. Fearful of what consequences it might bring.

Say Cheese..

Gustong gusto na kitang ipakilala sa pamilya ko. Yung tipong ieexpect ka na nila every weekend na pupunta sa bahay. Makikisalo samin sa hapag kainan. Kukulitin mo ang mga kapatid ko at tatanungin ka naman ng kung ano anong tanong ng nanay at lola ko. Ayaw ko ng gumawa ng kung anu anong dahilan pag-uwi ko ng bahay pagkatapos nating magkasama. Napapagkamalan pa tuloy nila na babae ang karelasyon ko. Gusto ko na kasama ka na hindi lang sa mundo ko kung hindi sa mundo rin nila. Alam ko minsan ay napapatingin ako sa ibang mga lalaki kaya napangiti ako nung naglambing ka na sana ikaw na lang ang cute at macho sakin. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano kita pinagnanasaan hahaha. Alam ko medyo mahirap kung hindi man imposible ang mga iniisip kong eksena sa future natin pero magiging masaya nako basta tanggapin nila ako at ikaw kapag hiningi mo na ang kamay ko... wahahaha umaambisyon habang umaambon ngayong hapon!=)

Bangungot ng isang baklang bangag...

I knew I was in a family gathering of some sorts. Wedding? Reunion? I had no idea. Hinaharot ko dun si Lola. It must be a wedding because there were people making speeches. Suddenly, I heard an outburst from the speaker. A grandmother of mine that is based in the States. It probably is January. She always comes home every January. I got upset with what I heard she was saying, furious even. "Kaya nga kami nagiwan ng mga lalaki dito e para secure kayo... iyon naman pala e mga bakla." I found myself shouting. "Oo, Bakla ako! Anu namang masama don?!" I was shocked with what I was doing and then I walked out. There was chaos afterward but I went to a safe place. I was conversing with someone telling him that I already told my family. Elated and yet still boggled with what I just did. Then I woke up...

I can't sleep again...

Its 2:30 in the morning and I could hear our neighbor's cocks crowing their asses away while I'm thinking about a few different things. Hindi na naman ako makatulog ng maayus. I don't know if its because I'm thinking that I might not be able to wake up for the early appointment that I have made with a friend. Or maybe its because my body clock hasn't readjusted itself to my normal sleeping pattern. I'm also thinking where will I go next since my previous employment is as long as my first relationship. But the one thing that kept me awake in the middle of the night is the dream of what will happen next in the series that I was watching prior to sleeping. At dahil hindi nako makatulog I opted to just write about random stuff.

Yesterday, I went to Megamall to assist in reformatting the laptop of my friend. At dahil sa hindi pa kami naglulunch ay yun ang una naming hinanap. We were looking for a place where we could plug her laptop in case she runs out of battery pero halos lahat ng establishments ay walang electrical socket. Hindi naman pedeng sa coffee shop kami kumain dahil wala namang totoong food dun. So sabi niya Food Court daw kami. Go naman kami dun. Akala naman namin ay may socket na dun dahil andaming nakatambay dun with their laptops. Nakita ko ang NYFD at nabili ako ng fries. Nagkatitigan kami ng friend ko dahil si Kuya ay kasing yummy at hot ng fries na binebenta niya. At dahil umandar na naman ang (slight) na pagkalandi ko e tinanong ko kung bakit maraming tao dun sa podium noon. Sinagot naman ako ni Kuya pero nasense ko lang na nasense lang niya ang (slight) na paglandi ko at ang "Pare, Im straight at pag nilandi moko ay jombag ang abot mo sakin" vibe. Ito namang torpe kong friend e niloloko ko na kunin na ang number para lang (slight) na iflirt pero dahil sa mas mahiyain pa siya sa makahiya kahit na biniyayaan na siya ng more than average na future ay hindi man lang siya kumembot ke Kuya. Kaya napilitan kaming lumayo na ke Kuya at maghanap ng mappwestuhan namin.

Namili siya ng gusto niyang pwesto namin at dahil sa nakasanayan ko ng reflex ng mata ko e nakascout na naman ako ng next target. Saktong sakto sa harap ko ay isang cute na chinito na me masayang kinakausap na mama sa harap niya. Nagkatinginan din kami ng ilang beses pero dahil umandar ang pagkamayumi ko ay hindi nako tumingin ulit sa kanya. (Kung wala lang yung kausap niya e pinuntahan ko na yun para tanungin kung nagiisa lang siya ahihihi) Umalis na rin sila ng kausap niya after a while at nagdaldalan nalang ulit kami ng friend ko habang kumakain.

Gogora na sana kami sa pinakamalapit na coffee shop at magpapaalam na rin sana ako ke Kuya NYFD ng nakita ng friend ko na cute yung emcee nung program sa podium. Lapit naman kami sa stage at akala ko e nanlalabo lang ang mata ng kaibigan ko pero wit. Gwapo pala talaga siya. Matangkad tapos ang ganda pa ng katawan hehehe at dahil ang alam ng friend ko ay si Kim at Gerald ang nagshow ay nanghinayang siya dahil gusto daw niya talagang makita first hand kung totoo ang balibalita na super mega payat in person si Kim Chiu. Siyempre ako ang gusto kong makita e ang katawan ni Gerald kaya pinabayaan na muna namin si Kuya Emcee para masilayan ang dalawa. Mygulay first time ko yung ginawa sa buhay ko. Usually hindi ko naman pinapansin ang mga celebrities kung sakaling me show sila sa mall or makita somewhere pero dahil pareho kaming curious ay nakiusisa na rin kami dun. Bongga ang security nila talagang parang buong kapulisan sa mall ay nakabantay na sa mga naghihiyawan na mga fans. At nung lumabas na ang iniintay namen ay najustify naman ang pagiging oa ng mall sa security at ang pagkabaliw ng mga katabi namen. XET!! Angwapo ni Gerald!! Angtangkad niya tapos ang kisig at marami pang iba. Ang akala ko dati ay normal lang ang height niya pero hindi pala. Mas matangkad siya sa inaasahan kong height niya hehehe (Hindi pa rin ako makagetover sa kagwapuhan niya. )Kaya naman pala siya naging artista. Anyways dahil sa nakaalis na siya ay bumalik na kami sa pupuntahan namin. Siyempre ay dumaan ulit kami ke Kuya Emcee (dahil sa pagpupumilit ng aking kaibigan) Punta kaming CBTL kaso lahat na ng socket dun ay sinaksakan na so kelangan naming lumipat sa kapihan ng bayan ang Starbucks. Sayang at me cutie pa naman doon na nagbabasa ng libro. Marami pang nangyari habang nasa Starbucks kami at siyempre hindi mawawala dun ang mga hombre na nakikita namin but the cocks are a crowing once again at me hint na naman ako ng antok pero kelangan ko na ring magayus dahil baka malate na naman ako...

Dreaming of a picket fence...

I haven't been blogging lately perhaps because I am lacking of things that I could write of. Or perhaps its because I was too lazy to write what I've been thinking. Maybe its because I have found someone that I could tell almost everything. I just watched "A Single Man" and I want to have that kind of life. Not the tragic ending but the 16 years of living a domesticated life. Everytime I would see someone with a baby, I would often imagine how it will be nice to raise a family of my own but I know that its not as simple as it appears to be. I have to settle my own life before I could setle down. I think I may have found the person that I want to get settled with but I couldn't tell what the future holds for us. Heck, with the craziness of the world right now maybe 2012 may not be just another prediction...

Bad Puppy...

I was so paranoid these past 24 hours kasi I really thought that I'm going to go loco. hahaha I was bitten by our new puppy dahil hinaharot ko siya at ang buong akala niya ata ay buto yung paa ko. Kahit na yung sugat ko eh parang kinagat lang ng langgam e naparanoid pa rin ako kasi I've seen what people with rabies look like. The whole night I was being so emotional thinking what would happen kung sakasakaling I go off the edge of sanity. Iniisip ko na yung mga linyang bibitawan ko just before I get insane. muhahaha Pero nung magpapaturok nako ng anti-rabies at sinabi ko dun ke ate na magiinjek sakin na feeling ko sumasakit yung paa na nakagat eh sabi lang niya na napaparanoid lang ako kasi super minor lang daw ang kagat ko. muhahaha Nagmoment moment pa naman ako last night....

Sobrang cheeessyyy...

This is a line I wanted to quote because I think its sooooo sweeet. Kukunin kong linya to sa magiging wedding vow ko nyahaha.

" May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn't live a day without you. "

=p awwww naluha lang ako dun. Kung siguro nasa sinehan ako kasama siya at hindi ko lang yun pinanuod sa pirata na kasama ang buong pamilya e hahagulgol nako hehehe