Yesterday, while I was on my way to work, an entry from the morning rush struck a chord with me. The topic was questions you ask before you get into a relationship and the entry was "Am I ready to be out?" Today is our 2nd year of being together and I often fantasize the day wherein we could be like normal couples with our own family. I know it will be next to impossible to happen with my family.
I woke up today crying from the dream that I had: My parents were away so I snuck him over to our house and we slept together. The next day, I was surprised to see my parents back home. I remembered asking myself if we were intimately sleeping but I was convinced we weren't so I casually told them that I just had my friend over because I wanted to hang out. He overslept so my parents invited him for lunch. The next thing I could remember was him showing everyone a video that we made where I promised to love him for as long as I could and I was shocked that he did that. Angry even. I walked out of the room and went to a restroom and before closing the door I heard them laughing and everything was what I wanted it to be for us now. After I locked the door I broke down and then I woke up to reality.
What I'm curious about was why did I feel that way when he outed me in my dream? Why instead of joy and liberation I felt shame and pain? I thought that after being together for this long and wanting to be a normal couple that I'd be ready to be outed but the truth is I'm still afraid. Fearful of what consequences it might bring.
I woke up today crying from the dream that I had: My parents were away so I snuck him over to our house and we slept together. The next day, I was surprised to see my parents back home. I remembered asking myself if we were intimately sleeping but I was convinced we weren't so I casually told them that I just had my friend over because I wanted to hang out. He overslept so my parents invited him for lunch. The next thing I could remember was him showing everyone a video that we made where I promised to love him for as long as I could and I was shocked that he did that. Angry even. I walked out of the room and went to a restroom and before closing the door I heard them laughing and everything was what I wanted it to be for us now. After I locked the door I broke down and then I woke up to reality.
What I'm curious about was why did I feel that way when he outed me in my dream? Why instead of joy and liberation I felt shame and pain? I thought that after being together for this long and wanting to be a normal couple that I'd be ready to be outed but the truth is I'm still afraid. Fearful of what consequences it might bring.
